Wednesday, October 15, 2003

ALL IN THE TRANSLATION
This comes from a mailing list which I'm on


Last week I won tickets to a theater play, a comedy written by a
19th-century Polish playwright Aleksander Fredro. Even though it was
staged in today's decorations and clothes, the director chose not to
change anything in the dialogues, as they were rhymed etc. So, what the
audience got to hear was the original version.

And the dialogues featured two of three most popular lexical items
that sound amusing (to say the least) in modern Polish. The first one
was when one guy said to another one "Rely on me!" or rather what was
used in the 19th century to say so.

Today, it means "Cum on me!" ;-)

The other one was "she feels her shame" - in today's Polish: "she
feels her vulva".

So, what I sorely missed was the third thing, which must sound
familiar to the English-speaking part of the world, namely an old Polish
word for "a fringe" (as with table clothes etc.) - which today means
"dick" or "cock". While in English both words still carry the original
meaning (do they?) somewhere, spoken Polish of today has preserved none
of it and you only learn about it from old literary pieces etc. I would
estimate 70 percent of the society are unaware of the original meaning,
so the look on people's faces when they first hear "He was wearing a cap
with a dick" is priceless :-)

Coming back to the play, I wonder how the actors managed to keep stiff
upper lip when they said the above sentences :-)


Oh wait, I can also remember another hilarious one I head some other
time. It had me laughing to tears and as I driving my car, it could have
even ended in an accident.

Some of you may be aware that Polish and Czech are quite similar to
each other. And quite expectedly, the similarities may be very
misleading :-)

So, some four years ago I was driving home in my car and listening to
the radio. It was a hit chart on Polish Radio 3 and the DJ was doing an
interview with Helena Vondrackova, a famous Czech singer whose best time
was in the 1970s and 80s. Sheo was paying a visit to Poland promoting
her then latest album, featuring a cover of "The Winner Takes It All"
BTW. And unfortunately, she was trying to speak Polish ;-)

DJ: "Helena, are boybands as immensely popular in the Czech Republic as
they are in Poland?"
HV: "Oh yes, definitely. We even have our own very popular group of five
boys who FUCK beautifully on stage!"

"Ruchac" means "to move" in Czech and used to mean the same in Polish,
but some time ago Polish changed "ruchac" to "ruszac", leaving the first
verb with the unfortunate meaning shown above ;-)

I first turned completely silent and then I nearly pissed myself
laughing :-) And to this day I can't understand how the DJ managed not
to do just the same :-D

Posted at 4:37 AM

USEFUL INFORMATION....HOW TO POO AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it we've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a frequent flyer.

FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTEOUSY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER: A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is ccupied. f you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. Can reate your own Tsunami, which will result in a puddle appearing under the stall door. Also, there is the inevitable embarrassment of "splashback". This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often companied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire
Posted at 4:32 AM

Friday, October 10, 2003

This is from the local Tamworth paper
Motorcycle mama
Wednesday, 8 October 2003

A 70-year-old Tamworth woman was escorted home on Monday night after hooning through the city on her motorised scooter doing doughnuts and burnouts.

A security officer called on police shortly before midnight after seeing the elderly woman racing her red scooter along Peel Street.

The beanie-clad grannie was reportedly driving her bike in excess of what police considered "a safe scooter speed".

Police said the woman braked heavily when flagged down, narrowly missing a wheelie bin.

Police warned the woman over her driving and she moved on, but a short time later she was spotted in Kable Ave riding somewhat recklessly around the car park of Wests Diggers.

The pensioner was placed in the police vehicle and her scooter loaded into the wagon before being taken home with a stern caution.

No charges were laid and police said the woman asked to be taken to the grocery store en route.

Posted at 3:32 PM

Thursday, October 09, 2003

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS .....
>
>
>
>Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey
>about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas
>said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of
>year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
>gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
>house." (The Daily Telegraph)
>
>
>
>Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting
>had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why,
>she said it was because she was missing her Italian
>boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
>
>
>
>Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a
>stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.
>It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
>don't want the public to know what it looks like.
>(The Guardian)
>
>
>
>A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
>inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable
>lobster. A coastguard spokesman
>commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
>(The Times)
>
>
>
>At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed
>a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the
>wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't
>have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
>had
>just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
>(Aberdeen Evening Express)
>
>
>
>Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe,
>delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the
>German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
>her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
>recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
>when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in
>February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
>(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>A LIST OF ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS, THAT LONDON TUBE
>TRAIN DRIVERS HAVE MADE TO THEIR PASSENGERS.....
>
>
>
>"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay
>to your service. I know you're all dying to get home,
>unless, of course, you happen to be married to my
>ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
>the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
>
>
>
>"Your delay this evening is caused by the line
>controller suffering from E &B syndrome, not knowing
>his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
>further information as soon as I'm given any."
>
>
>
>"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
>The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and
>I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is
>that there is a points failure somewhere between
>Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't
>reach our destination."
>
>
>
>"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay,
>but there is a security alert at Victoria station and
>we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable
>future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
>time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles,
>hanging on a wall.....'".
>
>
>
>"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you
>can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been
>nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you
>earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
>that".
>
>
>
>"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT
>encourage these professional beggars, if you have any
>spare change, please give it to a registered charity,
>failing that, give it to me."
>
>
>
>During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central
>Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:
>"Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
>gentleman ...unfortunately towels are not provided".
>
>
>
>"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause
>...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like
>sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....">
>
>
>
>"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse
>this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are
>distinct and separate instructions."
>
>
>
>"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the
>doors means that the doors are about to close. It does
>not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
>
>
>
>"We can't move off because some idiot has their
>f****ng hand stuck in the door."
>
>
>
>"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying
>to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand
>clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
>
>
>
>"Please move all baggage away from the doors
>(Pause...) Please move ALL belongings away from the
>doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man
>in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
>train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your
>bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come
>down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
>
>
>
>"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly
>no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
>However, if you are smoking a joint,it's only fair
>that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

Posted at 3:44 PM